Tag Archive: Chris Martin


YESTERDAY directed by Danny Boyle (UK, 2019)

yesterday Can this really be the same director who brought us Shallow Grave, Trainspotting and 28 Days Later?

Aside from one of the most unconvincing and sexless love stories ever brought to the big screen, the audience is asked to swallow whole the most lamely contrived plot devices (and holes) in the name of blurry-eyed nostalgia.

If this had all been pitched as a dream, we might have accepted that anything is possible as we do when Alice falls into Wonderland and Dorothy lands in Oz. But here we are in the real world of modern England with Himesh Patel in the part of Jack Malik.

help

Help me if you can!

He is a struggling singer from Suffolk who is about to quit when an global blackout causes a planetary memory loss of epic proportions.

Following this inexplicable (and unexplained) event we are asked to believe that :
1. Nobody remembers The Beatles.
2. Cigarettes and Coca Cola don’t exist
3. Harry Potter was never written.
4. John Lennon lives to enjoy a contented solitary retirement in a house by the sea.
5. A mediocre ginger-haired singer-songwriter plays a show and fills Wembley Stadium.

All of these are plainly absurd although since the fifth just so happens to be true, I suppose screenwriter Richard Curtis would resolutely defend his corner.

The Ed Sheeran cameo is especially grueling for self-respecting music fans although it could have been worse since rumor has it that Coldplay’s Chris Martin was first choice for this role.

This truly dreadful movie makes even the soppiest of Disney fantasies look like works of gritty social realism.

COLDPLAY’S vaporous f-ing drivel

Coldplay won three awards at the Grammys:
– Song Of The Year (Viva La Vida)
– Best Pop Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocals (Viva La Vida)
– Best Rock Album.

Occasion to celebrate? I think not!

Here’s the last word on the band courtesy of an inspired piece by Mr Agreeable in The Quietus:

Finally, Coldplay have released their latest album, Viva La Vida, to some laudatory reviews. Is it time, perhaps, that we get past his celebrity marriage and fruit-based policy of child naming and recognise the towering genius of our age that is Chris Martin? Yeah, well, it’s been some fing decade! Let’s go back. The Fifties brought us rock’n’roll. The Sixties brought us The Beatles, flower power, the countercultural revolution. The Seventies brought us punk, the Eighties post-punk, Acid and Techno, the Nineties grunge, jungle, triphop. And what has this fing decade given us? Kids with their trousers half way down their fing arses and fing Coldplay, in that order of fing merit! A handwringing guppyfaced, snivelling streak of fing cock all like Martin would have been laughed out any other fing decade! Coldplay are fing homeopathic music a gnat’s kneecap-sized particle of fing substance diluted to the fing power of 10 zillion gazillion! Fretting vaguely about the fing environment over a fing piano tinkling like water dripping from a piece of fing ten year old wet lettuce, then blasting your own China-sized hole in the fing ozone player with your private jet? Arsehole! And those fing lyrics! “Those who are dead, are not dead, they’re just living in my head.” What, that’s where we fing go after we peg it? I tell you this, I’d rather be griddled by Satan’s most malicious minions for all fing eternity than spend it in the vaporous fing drivel generator that is fing Chris Martin’s head! Truly, the c to end all c*s!