ATTILA directed by Dick Lowry (USA, 2001)
There are no known photos or You Tube videos to tell us what the real life Attila The Hun looked like. We can only speculate as to his actual appearance. Some accounts suggest that he was nasty, brutish and short. Others describe him as a tall, athletic,with a well-trimmed beard, piercing eyes and an impressive mane of long wavy hair – exactly like Gerard Butler, in fact.
Of course, historical accuracy is always a bone of contention. Pedants have noted that corsets and thongs did not exist in the 5th century, although these can be seen during the relatively tame orgy scenes of this lame TV mini-series turned movie. Scholars also point out that Attila did not kill his brother Bleda immediately after returning from his fact-finding trip to Rome and that Aetius was not murdered directly following Attila’s death.
Neither can it be verified that the Hun war cry (nnnaaaaaaaaarrrrgggghhhhhhh!!!!!!) is linguistically precise although I personally would like to think that Attila really did urge his followers into battle shouting “Go….go….go” like the head of a squat team on a drug raid.
General Flavius Aetius (Powers Boothe) is employed like Pulp Fiction’s Winston Wolf to get the inept authorities out of a tight spot. He immediately shows he’s a contender by managing to remain fighting fit, well-groomed and clean-shaven even after being held in solitary confinement and fed on prison scraps. He is released because Caesar Valentian is so clearly an incompetent leader- Reg Rogers seems to have modelled this role on Kenneth Williams’ star turn as Julius Caesar in Carry On Cleo. Aetius is a kind of Zen Roman never breaking sweat as he carries out his cunning plans to outwit the Huns. Even when he is stabbed to death, he looks only vaguely nonplussed.
In the movie version, Attila meets N’Kara the first of his thirteen wives while on a routine pillaging mission. She is lined up with all the other rebel villagers patiently waiting for her throat to be cut but he spares her, claiming that he admires her spirit (although the fact that she’s a HOT redhead also helps her cause).Far from being enraged that her friends,relatives and fellow citizens have been slaughtered by the Huns, N’Kara pragmatically takes the opportunity to switch allegiance.
Attila the hunk also turns the heads of the young women in Rome who line the route like groupies. We are privy to one representative dialogue:
-“He’s quite striking – in a primitive sort of way”
-“His clothes are made of animal skins”
-“Don’t worry he’ll be out of them soon enough”.
As you can tell from this, the script writers aren’t going for Shakespearean poetry here. Steven Berkoff vainly attempts to bring some theatrical eloquence to the part of King Rua but only proves that what sounds charismatic on stage often sounds pompous or just plain silly on-screen. The stilted and anachronistic lines he has to say don’t help his cause.
The screenplay includes many unintentionally funny exchanges, my favourite of which is after Attila’s death in announced:
Caesar Valentian : “Is there any chance, I wonder, of finding his grave?”
Aetius : “It’s doubtful, Sire. The slaves who buried him will have been killed to keep the location secret. It’s an old Hun custom”.
Valentian : “It’s a pity. I had hopes of displaying his head in the Forum”.
Aetius : “No doubt that explains the custom”.
The pre-battle pep talks in these movies always crack me up. The thousands of assembled troops gather to hear the motivational speeches but it is not clear how they can possibly see or hear their leader since having LED screens or microphones would be stretching historical inaccuracy too far. I imagine a typical conversation between two soldiers going something like this:
Soldier A – What did he say?
Soldier B – Fucked if I know – just shout nnnaaaaaaaaarrrrgggghhhhhhh when he’s finished.
The way this version of Attila story is told, it gives the impression that Europe may have been better off had the Barbarian Huns triumphed over the Romans. Perhaps we’d have had better hairdressers but the quality of the bathroom facilities would have suffered.
Related link:
Review (Beyond Hollywood)
